| Maturing is realizing you don't need fun to have alcohol. | Sorry I misunderstood you, but in my defense, I wasn't listening. | In fact I DO have all the answers, and they are all "No". |
| Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything. | Drink wine. Live longer. Remember less. | So... turns out I'm not an afternoon person either. |
| If I go missing, follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide. | Around here we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it a cocktail. | As soon as you say "My child would never", here they come nevering like they never nevered before. |
| Don't ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that shit with your heart. | I hate it when healthy me does the grocery shopping, because now chubby me needs a stack. | "Just be yourself" is literally the worst piece of advice you could ever give me. |
| Do what you love, and the money will follow. Ate pizza, drank wine, and took a 3-hour nap. Now I wait. | I love it when my pet sighs. It's like "What ails you my furry little freeloader?" | "Alexa, pour more wine." |
| When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East". | FREE belly rubs & treats (pets only, don't make it weird). | Book club - Reading between the wines. |
| Exercise makes you look better naked. So does wine. Your choice. | I'm pretty sure my last words are going to be "Hold my beer and watch this!" | I'm the girl who listens to gangsta rap on the way to the farmers market after yoga. |
| Yoga class? I thought you said "Pour a glass". | Laughter is the best medicine… or wine, it might have been wine. | Some say the glass is half empty, some say it is half full... all I want to know is… are you going to drink that? |
| I'm the kind of person who goes to a party and makes friends with the dog. | I enjoy telling young folk I was born back in the 1900's. | Cats don't tell police where the drugs are. |
| I need a HUG...E bottle of wine. | eHarmony matched me up with Jack Daniels. | When life gives you lemons, just add vodka. |
| Wine + Dinner = Winner | Vodka - Happy water for fun people. | Pro tip: To keep brownies fresh, eat them all in one sitting. |
| I swear I have it all together. I just forgot where I put it. | I like big mutts and I cannot lie. | "The more I learn about people the more I like my dog." - Mark Twain |
| This house has gone 0 days without a dog related incident. | Ask not for whom the dog barks. It barks for thee. | Beware: Dog can't hold its licker. |
| Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend. | A meal without wine is called Breakfast. | It's all fun and games until the wine runs out. |
| It's not drinking alone if the dog is home. | I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves. | I only drink champagne when I'm happy and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it - unless I'm thirsty. |
| There will be no working during drinking hours. | "Drink Responsibly" means don't spill it. | Friends don't let friends go thirsty. |
| My therapist told me to cut back on wine. Then we laughed and laughed. | Just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it won't be a good time. | I wish my facial expressions would use their inside voice. |
| What do you call a teacher who is happy on Monday? Retired. | I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. | I'm not responsible for what my face does when you talk. |
| When a woman says "do whatever you want", do NOT do whatever you want. | I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn whiskey and donuts into dinner. | Lucky for me, I don't have enough friends for an intervention... |
| If it requires pants or a bra, it's not happening today. | Every family has one weird relative. If you don't know who it is, it's probably you. | I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect' so that whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect". |
| I don't always have the perfect comeback... but when I do, it's usually the next day in the shower. | Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine. | Word for the day: "exhaustipated" - too tired to give a shit. |
| First thing on my bucket list... is to fill my bucket with wine. | Happiness is a glass of wine and a new TV show to binge watch. | My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially since his name is Steve. |
| I've decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard. | I amuse the shit out of myself. | Red wine should always be allowed to breathe. If it isn't able to breathe, consider mouth-to-mouth. |
| One minute we're young and fun and creative and dreaming... the next day we're turning down the radio in the car to see better. | My book club only reads wine labels. | When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east". |
| After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF. | Welcome to adulthood. I hope you like ibuprofen. | Too much of anything is bad, but too much whiskey is barely enough. - Mark Twain |
| Alcohol - Because no great story every started with someone eating a salad. | Your book club may have scintillating discussions, but mine can drink yours under the table. | Dog hair - a condiment AND an accessory. |
| Life is too short to cook for you people. | Fun fact. If you drink wine fast enough, FitBit thinks you're running. | I'm working from home... but as a bartender. |
| Eat a salad they said, it's healthy. You know what never gets recalled? Pie. | Based on my Netflix recommendations, I'm either a serial killer or a chef. | My heart says wine and my stomach says chocolate, but my jeans say, for the love of God, woman, eat a salad. |
| I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web. | I used to drink... but that was hours ago. | WEBINAR? I thought you said WINE BAR. |
| It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do. | It's just a plain fact that if mom doesn't know where it is, that shit is GONE. | My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors. |
| They should put more wine in a bottle, so there's enough for two people. | Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver. | Sorry I slapped you, but it didn't seem like you'd ever stop talking and I panicked. |
| I'm on my "cutting my own bangs" glass of wine. | You use a wine stopper? That's adorable. | Sometimes I stare at my husband when he isn't looking and think to myself, wow, he is one lucky son of a bitch. |
| Warning: I talk back and I don't listen. | Best friends don't care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine. | When I ask how you're doing, please just say "good". Don't start telling me stuff. |
| Let's drink wine and judge people. | Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk." | BESTIES - Because those other Ain't nobody got time for that... |
| My credit card is starting to feel more like a gift card. "Not sure how much is on it, but we'll give it a try." | I run like the winded. | Novinophobia: the fear of running out of wine. |
| I named my dog '5 miles' so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day. | I'm outdoorsy. I drink wine on the patio. | I read recipes the same way I read Science Fiction. I get to the end and think, "That's not going to happen." |
| Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a nice, normal family. | If I ever go missing, I would like my photo put on wine bottles instead of mil cartons. That way, by friends will know to look for me. | None of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga. |
| Of course I talk to myself. No one else will listen. | This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat. | I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, they're just regular donuts. |
| My dentist told me I needed a crown, and I was like "I KNOW, RIGHT?" | Some days I stay inside because it's too peopley out there. | Karma is only a bitch if you are. |
| I just read an article on the dangers of drinking..., scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more reading. | I need a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or a winery in Italy. | Thank you, craft beer breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby. |
| Frankly, autocorrect, I'm getting a little tired of your shirt. | Am I perfect? No. But am I trying to be a better person? Also no. | This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner. |
| Work From Home Tip: Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee. | If you think it's bad now, in 20 years this country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers. | This wine is awful... get me another glass. |
| Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. | I make wine disappear. What's your super power? | Working from home tip - Blowing on the wine in your mug will convince the people in your zoom meeting that it's hot coffee. |
| I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far, it's not 27. | Beware of the Dog. The cat is shady as hell also. | Drunk me likes creating awkward situations for sober me. |
| I save my carbs for cocktails. It's called "priorities". | I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for. | A day without wine is like ... just kidding, I have no idea. |
| Step aside, Coffee. This is a job for alcohol! | If you can read this, you need a refill. | Procrastinate like there is a tomorrow. |
| Kids, stop doing your homework. These cocktails aren't gonna refill themselves! | I do yoga every day. Just kidding. I drink wine in my yoga pants. | It's exhausting being a lover and not a fighter... especially when you know one good smack would end it. |
| Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment you want to spend the rest of your life without them. | I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves. | If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy. |
| What doesn't kill us makes our drinks stronger. | You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar. | Another fine day ruined by responsibility. |
| I'm not feeling very worky today. | I would like to think I'll die a heroic death, but more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting. | I can achieve anything I put my mind to until it's boring or too hard. |
| I'm not old... I'm mid-century modern | I'm pretty sure my last words are going to be 'Hold my beer and watch this!'> | Born to Party. Forced to work. |
| Still waiting for those cookies I accepted on all those websites. | Warning: Alcohol consumption will make you believe you are whispering. I assure you - you are not. | 'Just be yourself' is literally the worst piece of advice you could give me. |
| Brunch (nown): The socialliy acceptable excuse for day drinking. | I keep trying to make protein shakes, but they keep coming out as Margaritas. | You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I ever wanted in a friend. |
| Be classy and shit. Use a coaster | I can't wait for the day that I can drink with my kids instead of because of them. | The only things in my house that aren't dusty are my wine glasses. |
| Never ask a woman drinking wine straight from a bottle how she's doing. | Domestic bliss is only one bottle of Cabarnet away. | Common sense is like deodorant - the people who need it most never use it. |
| When I was young I used to wonder why my mom was in a bad mood. Now I'm like "Ohhh..." | I really had my heart set on waking up rich today | This evening's forecast includes a 0% chance of me cooking |
| Better to have loved and divorced that to be stuck with an idiot forever | An attitude is a terrible thing to waste | It's either me or the house - we both can't look this great every day |
| Some things are better left unsaid - but I'm probably going to get drunk and say them anyway | If things get better with age, then I must be getting close to freakin' magnificent | If anyone asks... I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a project I saw on Pinterest. |
| I have Mixed Drinks about Feelings | I am not Needy I'm Wanty | PEOPLE are the reason I don't trust people |
| I may not know what the fuck I'm doing, but that won't stop me | It's all SHITS and GIGGLES until someone GIGGLES and SHITS | I'm going to hell in every religion |
| Smart enough to know better ============== Dumb enough to do it anyway | If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a Taco truck | I'm not fucking stupid. I mean, I used to, but we broke up. |
| No one has stolen my identy yet, and I'm starting to take it personally | Telling me "THIS WON'T END WELL" is pretty much the only encouragement I need | "Intermittant Fasting" - That's what I call that think I do between snacks |
| At my age, ROLLING A JOINT probably involves an ankle | If you love soneone, let them go. If they come back without doughnuts, let them go again. | The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven should tell you something about anticipated traffic |
| Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle. | If I ever go missing, I would like my picture put on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. That way my friends will know to look for me. | #whoremembers If you read that as "Whore Members" then I hope we are friends |
| Apparently, "Spite" is not an appropriate answer to "What motivates you?" | I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike Bar, but I would do some pretty shady shit for a margarita and some tacos. | After 40, never trust a fart. |
| Teacher: Name a book that made you cry. Me: Algebra | Cremation: Your last hope for a smoking hot body | Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg, you can hear them say "What the fuck are you doing?" |
| Let me check my "GiveAShitOMeter". Nope - nothing. | Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for 11 minutes | I want to be a good parent. I just feel I'm going to need some different kids |
| I just bought my husband a "Get Better Soon" card. He's not sick. I just think he could be better. | At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it at the crowd to see who's next. | I said "I love you." He asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" I said "That's me talking to the wine." |
| Shut up, liver. You're fine! | The house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it. | Saw a store sign that read "We treat you like family!" Yup, NOT going in there! |
| My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door... I just know it. | The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day. | Is it just me, or does orange juice taste funny without champagne? |
| What does it mean if the holy water sizzles when it hits your skin? Asking for a friend. | This whole "Kill them with kindness" thing is taking way longer than expected | Sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? |
| My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma, well played. | "Do you run?" "Yes, out of patience, fucks and money." | Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store |
| Some call it complaining. I call it Motivational Speaking | My Flabbers are Gasted. | I love water. Especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka |
| I'm starting to think I need Professional Help. A chef, a maid and a butler would be a good start. | You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet. | I AM in shape. Round is a shape. |
| Squats? I thought you said "Shots" | The officer said "You're staggering." I said "You're quite handsome yourself." We just laughed and laughed. Need bail money. | When I ask you how you're doing, just say "fine". Don't start telling me stuff. |
| Hey, bartender, get me 3 shots of Gray Goose. Or is that Grey Geese...? Screw it, let me get a flock of vodka shots. | When somebody asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they mean a psychologist. | If you see me talking to myself, just move along. We're having a team meeting. |
| According to this box of Mac & Cheese, I'm a family of four. | I don't mean to brag, but I just finished my 14 day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes. | I don't struggle with anxiety. I'm actually pretty good at it. |
| Dove Chocolate tastes WAY better than their soap. | Do beer runs count as exercise? | I NED A HUGe glass of wine |
| Funny how drinking 64oz of water a day seems like a lot, but drinking 8 beers and 4 shots goes down like grandma on a slip-n-slide. | I was driving with my dad the other day, and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. EASY THERE, Indiana Jones, I'll just Google it. | You look like I need a drink. |
| Some of you keep using the term "Middle Aged" like your life expectancy is 124. | If drinking wine prolongs life, I'm going to live forever | I just got pulled over by a cop. He asked me if I had a police record. Apparently "Roxanne" was not the answer he wanted to hear. |
| Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of Alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans. | When people say they don't need alcohol to have fun, all I hear is "Designated Driver". | What wine pairs best with Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Xanax? |
| "Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason." -- Mark Twain | You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have Questionable Morals. You're everything I ever wanted in a friend. | There will be NO work during drinking hours. |
| My mouth is always getting me in trouble. It's either what I say or what I drink. | I don't always drink wine, but... yes I do. | Dear Karma... I have a list of people you forgot. |
| Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to dis a Brie? | Tomorrow's priceless memories are courtesy of tonight's FREE drinks! | I danced like no one was watching. Now my court date is pending. |
| Toddlers can do more in an unsupervised minute that most adults can do in 24 hours. | My spirit animal is a chubby racoon trying to get into a dumpster | Funny how we used to eat cake after someone blew on it... Ahhh, the good times. |
| Procrastinaters, Unite Tomorrow | Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything. |